Family

For the past 20 years my family has not been a family. No one talks to the other. Hard feelings and misunderstandings got in the way. All too often buttons were pushed emotionally opening up wounds from the past that made it impossible to communicate and have relationships. My first trip to India made me desire a truce, peace talks, reconciliation. Through much ado, I was able to speak to each member of my family except my brother (whom I do have a good relationship with) and had pleasant conversations with each of them. I was able to leave the world I knew my entire life knowing all is well and there is no unfinished business related to family ties.

The renewed connection has brought up many emotions for me. I am happy that there are no hard feelings and peace is a reality. It saddens me to some extent that I am half way across the world for this to happen. But in Gods eyes, there is no time or space that can separate us from His love. I am reminded of this every day in India with my new family the Roy's. Their love for life and each other fascinates me. I am being cared for in a way that is unlike that of the Western world. The love, concern, and joy is not a familiar thing for me. I am learning to love and be loved the Eastern way.

I have mixed emotions of my worth. I must believe that God is teaching me a valuable lesson that is right in front of my eyes and yet I am unable to see it because of the distortion of my past experiences. I have let go of so much. Basically I have let go of everything I've ever known or had except maybe 1% of my possessions. I let go of friendships and my way of life. I let go of my precious companion, Bunny all for this moment. I closed all the doors in order to open the door to India; to open the door to my heart.

I realize I am still holding on to a hurt that is all to familiar to me. A hurt so deep that it's beginning was the beginning of my life. God knows what this hurt is, I cannot explain it but it is known to my Creator. My prayer today is that I trust in God's plan and accept the gift He has given me with open arms and open heart. I pray that this hurt melt off me, that it vanishes quickly and that the healing my soul is in need of will continue to sooth what ails the deepest part of my spirit.

Today, I will not study, I will not do errands, I will not worry. Today is a play day for me and the little girl inside me. To enjoy life and play. Today I give myself in sweet surrender to my love, my God, my life.