Flexibility….

Today I went to the customs house only to learn the boat has still not arrived. Due to this delay I have to delay my trip to China or surrender the 1% of my belongings. On top of it there are papers I don’t have and can’t get. I just learned that with my 10 year visa I HAVE to leave India every 6 months for a minimum of 2 months in order to return. On top of that, China is pushing me to move there. They are offering a free apartment, furnished with hot water, computer, A/C, etc. On top of that I missed my Skype with my mother who is worried about me. On top of that I missed the little tea party that I was supposed to host today. On top of that I called to reschedule my flight only to be told I had to go to the airport to do it. On top of that, I called the airline who told me the booking agent I just got off the phone with cancelled my non-refundable ticket. On top of that, well….is a whole different kind of pressure that I dare not go to or else my brain will melt completely.

I don’t have a clue as to what to do…my dear friend Satyaki texted me on the phone with the following:

1. Nothing is permenant in this world not even our troubles
2. I like walking in the rain because no one can see my tears
3. The most wasted day in life is the day we have not laughed our hearts out
4. Troubles are like washing machines; they twist, turn and knock us around. In the end we come out brighter and better than before
5. The four looks of life:
a. Look back and gain experience
b. Look forward and see hope
c. Look around and see reality
d. Look within and feel confident
I think I will look within right now, tomorrow is another day in paradise…

the home I just got and now I leave

So this place was disgustingly dirty. here are the before pictures.

Kitchen (what a mess) balcony balcony balcony room
room room

after pictures

I still have a ways to go but at least I have some color that will sooth my soul.

If life is but a dream…

I was asked today if I woke up in Colorado and the last 70 days were a dream; and I was about to purchase my airline ticket to India, would I? This was a good question that played in my mind all afternoon as certain events started playing out. My brain hurt with pressure from the ludicrousness of life in India. Life here is such a charade of ridiculous rules and regulations that I could feel my body melting and my brain shutting down completely. It wasn’t panic, anxiety or worry; I can’t even explain this feeling because I never had it before.

The first thing that came to my mind (when asked the above mentioned question) was a song “don’t think twice, it’s alright.” I answered the question stating “…once I make a decision I don’t think twice and doubt myself.” As I walked home I sang the song telling myself it’s alright. I will manage. I will figure this out. The challenges here are mind boggling and at the same time it gives me an opportunity to grow, learn and become something more than I was yesterday.

In the USA anyone who knows me tells me I’ve had a colorful life. My adventures and escapades leave some wondering how I managed to get this far in life. Over here, my adventures and escapades don’t compare to day to day life. I believe that is why I feel so at home here in one respect. The deepest part of me belongs in this chaos. I know how to deal with pressures and stress in life. In the USA these pressures come and go from time to time with a break here and there. In India the pressure and stress come every minute and it never ends or stops. This is mentally exhausting. I was a pro at working out preposterous situations in the USA but I am a kindergarten student at figuring things out in India.

I quote myself “It takes Honor and Courage to live a Life worthy of Freedom. Freedom awards us Grace and Mercy at all times. We have the Power to Succeed and Attract everything we Seek. Life affords us the opportunity to be Inspired to our Greatest Potential. This is my Code of Honor. This is my Truth. This is my Life…and so this is my Courage each day…Free to be”

I am declaring my honor. I stand firm in my honor. My word is my honor and this truly is all I have in the world. I am honoring my courage. My courage allows me to walk down the street being looked at by everyone I pass. My courage comes from God almighty and cannot be broken. I am free yet I live in a country where I cannot do as I please. What is freedom anyway? Freedom is being liberated, open, unbound, limitless, uninhibited, enlightened. I question if I really am free today. Without feeling free the grace and mercy are begged for several times a day. I don’t know, I think begging for a rupee might be easier than begging God for grace and mercy. (This is not a judgment this is a comparison of the only time I see people beg.) Desperate times call for desperate measures. I am usually praising God for His Grace and Mercy. I find myself begging. I’m a child of God. I don’t believe a child should beg from their parents. Ufffff.

I still believe I have the power to succeed and attract everything I am seeking. This power is running on empty at this very moment. I know and I believe the fuel will be filled up again and I will continue my pursuit regardless of circumstances. If life affords us the opportunity to be inspired to our greatest potential; I’m being inspired beyond my intellectual capacity. I have to reach deep inside myself to understand the opportunities that are presenting themselves to me.

I stand in my truth because this is my life. This is the real world. I refuse to live with any regrets. My decision still stands. I’m here on the Eastern Hemisphere. I will find that place inside me that benefits from the misery, suffering and troublesome times. That part of me that knows once I go through hell I will laugh at hell because God’s grace and mercy provide me with the strength needed to have victory. I find great satisfaction getting out of hell and laughing at such foolishness. I say this about my previous experiences in life regarding hell. Right now, I’m not laughing. I’m in hell. I have to take a step back and look at my life from the outside and put my emotions on the table so they don’t drive me deeper in the dark pit of agony. Once I get out of hell this time around I will laugh at it as well. :-)

In the last days of my journey in India deep thoughts weigh profoundly on me and China is but a dream that in a few days will be my new reality. How ironic.

Okokokokokok….

(I won’t be writing until I arrive in China. Check in after the first week in March for new stuff. It should be more uplifting. I needed to write the above post because today was a day I would want to forget. I need to remember so I am grateful for the experience afforded me.)

American Madam goes from India to China...

Well, this last week was stressful with the skin/nerve condition but I made it through the Eastern medicines without any further complications. I am grateful for God’s healing grace each day. The slow boat to India has several prayer groups praying that it will make it here before I leave or else I give up everything I ever owed. I only kept 1% and now it is in jeopardy. When I arrived my luggage was delayed which took too much brain damage to get. I worked hard to get a flat to put my belongings from the boat in while I’m in China and now I have to struggle to see if they will arrive in time. Ufffff, everything was so easy leaving the states and everything here takes so much effort.

My studies have gone down the tubes. I decided I put too much on my plate and made a decision to enjoy life while I am here and start the studies again in China. I started to organize myself today. I had my suitcases under the beds forgetting that I put all my winter clothes in there so I had to empty them out before packing. I will put everything in plastic bags so they don’t collect dust for four months. I’m taking very little to China. As the director told me “they make everything in China, buy it here.” So I will be purchasing my toiletries, clothes and whatever else I need there. I’m bringing a few clothes and my art supplies; that’s it. If they get lost so be it, I won’t care.

While my new flat is nasty and totally a dump I have labored the last few weeks to buy some materials to cover up the couch, bed, floor and have glued some sketches on the walls to cover up the dirt. No one is interested in visiting my new place except Auntie. While I’m disappointed in the lack of interest of the others, Auntie makes me a little nervous as she is 75 and very set in her Bengali ways. I told her my curtains would be finished on Wednesday and asked if she would like to come Thursday. She does her religious ceremonies all day on Thursdays so she suggested Friday. I leave on Saturday and need to put everything in plastic bags so they don’t get dirty while I’m gone but agreed to Friday. So after the little tea party, I will take everything I put up down and clear the room.

She informed me last night she invited Supretty, Rena, Mona and Supta to come as well. They all went to the Horticultural Show and want to see the pictures I took on my laptop. LOL…I have one small couch that fits two, a tea pot the boils two cups of water at a time and no tray to serve tea on. In India if you are invited to a home it is very formal and service must be done according to custom. So, not only will I be serving 5 elderly women they will have to sit on my bed in their saris and I will have to serve 2 at a time. I will also have to wear a sari which I’ve done twice but both times I was dressed by Sukriti so I will most likely look very sorry in my sari  All things considered I believe they will tell me they are appreciating my home and leave with words of horror. I’m laughing because it’s absurd. They would never tell me they don’t like something about me to my face but they will talk and sooner or later it comes out what they truly feel. Like Chandana, the cook. She comes to my place for her tutoring and she told me “Very Nice” and went home and told Ishita she was not appreciating my place. I asked Ishita what that meant and she said Chandana thought my place was bad. How ironic that an 18 year old girl who sleeps on the floor in a room with a 75 year old woman and cooks from 7am to midnight every day of the year; cooking between 21 and 24 meals a day, serving tea 4 to 6 times a day and doing laundry, cleaning, errands in exchange to sleep on the floor cannot appreciate my little flat that is private and has a toilet that I don’t have to share with seven other people. I don’t understand but accept the irony of it all.

I took my computer to the Roy’s last night to Skype with my mom so she could meet everyone. I was so concerned about walking at night with my lap top and my 4 D cell flashlight (my pen light battery died and I cannot see going up the 4 flights of stairs in the dark when I get home). I was not in myself as they say here and took a wrong turn and found myself lost going to the Roy’s. For two months I’ve walked to their home and last night I had no idea where I was and there were no street signs and very few people on the streets. I did not want to make a call and say I’m lost. How foolish! But….I had to, I went in so many directions that I didn’t have a clue which direction I was going. I called and walked and described my surroundings and by the time Satyaki figured out where I was I found his street. I was still not in myself today and did the same damn thing. I realized when I saw a T junction in the road that it looked familiar and realized I took the same wrong road again. This time being daylight, I was able to look around, look at buildings and take a few wrong roads purposely to familiarize myself with the part of the neighborhood I hadn’t explored. I didn’t tell anyone I did it two times in a row, I think the Roy’s will be happy I’m gone for a while. My high maintenance is too high for me. At any rate, last night it was so much fun to interact with my mother and the Roy’s. I believe everyone was happy to meet each other. My mom will make plans to come visit by the end of the year. This will be a very happy reunion. We have not been in each other’s presence since 1998.

Today I went to the market. In India, if you aren't Indian they think they can charge you double what they charge an Indian because foreigners think they are getting a good deal. Which they are, things are cheap here. But I live here now and I try to establish relationships with vendors and let them know I live here and I won't be taken for a ride. I bring my Indian friends with me to get the Indian price. Then I return and purchase something and they still over charge me but not as much. Slowly this will change.

I know so little Bengali, Hindi, Muslim and the 100 other dialects in India that I fumble all the time. Bengali is one of the hardest languages to learn. Not only do I not understand, they don't understand my American English. They understand UK English and Indian English. So I am misunderstood everyday in just about every situation.

Today at the market I went to get some material sown together. I knew the price should be 25 rupees which is about 55 cents. Not a big deal right? Well the guy shakes his head no, but I don't understand and the 4 men standing there laugh at me. The vendor tells me to sit down. I am sitting there wondering what I just agreed to.

Finally one of them said you don't understand Bengali do you? I said 'aami Bangla jani na" which means "I don't understand Bengali" all of them clap their hands. The vendor said he was shaking his head no because he only wanted to charge me 20 rupees and I'm telling him to give me back my material I can go down the street and get it done for 25 rupees.

So....Saturday I go to China and start this process all over again. For four months I will attempt Chinese and when I return to India I'll most likely forget the little Bengali I know and have a Chinese English accent.

Life’s rollercoaster ride…

Ufffff, I have a few good days and I’m very very happy then I get sick again. This time the trauma related to all this sickness got to me in another stress related illness. I have meds to take care of it and had to ask for my water and food be delivered to me yesterday due to the fact I couldn’t walk. I’m feeling better. I know I still have 6 more days of medicine to take in order to recover completely so I will do as the doctor ordered. The medicine here is double the strength. I took a pain medicine the first day at the Roy’s and then walked home after lunch. I didn’t know if I could make it. I felt drunk and dizzy. I wanted to sit on the dirty sidewalk and close my eyes.

Not going to the Roy’s yesterday was difficult. I didn’t realize how much I look forward to being with them every day. I am so used to living alone and not interacting with people that going one day by myself made me a bit crazy. I really have changed. I want to be around people and I enjoy interacting. I can’t remember the last time I felt this way if ever.

I am preparing for China. There are many things that have to be dealt with prior to the next 9 days. My shipment from the USA via boat should arrive by the end of the week. I was told it would be delivered door to door. Now I have to go to the customs house which isn’t a safe place and I was told that I would be asked for money in order to receive my goods. BRIBES! I asked for someone, preferable a male, to accompany me in order to first of all translate the language for me and secondly to protect me from those who would want to steal from me. Anyone reading this blog please believe with me that God’s will be done in this situation and that I am safe with no money out of pocket.

This brings me to the next transition I’m going though; asking for help. I’ve been self sufficient for so long that asking for help is not easy. The past 63 days it seems that is all I do. I am told repeatedly how much of a change I’ve made in people’s lives and that I have made a difference to so many people and yet I still feel like I burden people. Ufffff, if only I could let this go. What a terrible habit this is for me. Letting this concept go is more difficult that quitting smoking, drugs, and drinking.

Yesterday Chandana not only delivered my lunch, she came back in the afternoon for her lesson. This week we are working on her writing skills. Even she has difficulty reading her own writing. She handed me a box wrapped up. It was a little tree with yellow flowers. It is plastic and quite unique. It has little lights that blink when turned on. It is very cute and precious. She continues to tell me how very happy she is that I spend time with her teaching her. My heart has such love for this young woman. She tells me she loves me too much. (Too much is better than the best in India).

I gave the Roy’s a valentines day gift. They were blow away. They have no pictures on the walls which are double the height of US walls. I gave them two pictures that I put together and found a place to mat and frame. They were so happy they couldn’t express how impressed they were. They never thought to put family pictures on the wall.

Happy Valentines Day...

Allow Your Own Inner Light to Guide You

There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

Horticulture Show round 2