Giving up…

There are so many things to give up and surrender; so many changes to make at one time. I gave up material possessions but didn’t know I’d have to give up concepts in life. Intellectually I knew that I was going to have to make changes; I didn’t realize the extent of these changes in my life, i.e. my spirit, emotions, and body.

I am in a separate reality. I AM alone. People here intellectually are aware I’m going through major changes but they have not experienced these kinds of changes so there really is no one here that knows the extent of my uneasiness. Uneasiness is exactly the word. Nothing here is easy; not one single thing is easy. LOL. Writing that sentence makes me laugh out loud at the absurdity of it all. Seriously, life in the East is bizarre, curious, ridiculous, illogical, strange, out of the ordinary, and quite peculiar. Life is also fantastic, extraordinary, amazing, marvelous and miraculous. The extremes I go through each day from positive to negative and negative to positive are mind boggling to me. My mind is anesthetized at the moment. I am at a crucial cross road in life.

So, what is going on in this anesthetized brain you may ask? This is the million dollar question I must ponder on to work it out. I will ponder on the web and welcome any comments to this dialogue.

Ok, one thing is that I am a minority. I knew this from the first trip to India. I guess in my mind everyone is human and I am human and therefore I am just another person. But the truth is I will never be Indian. I am an American Madame in India. There is no getting around that and while there are people here to help me; there are people here that will never accept me. My little pea brain did not look at the long term tension this concept is going to have in my life. I still believe we are all God’s children and therefore all the same. Reality check: not everyone believes what I believe.

The music here is wonderful. It is full of life and even though I don’t know what the words mean, I can tell the songs are sung with such heart that it fills me up with a love for everything. There are some good things going on over here. I don’t really listen to any Western songs anymore except when I go running at the lake. Yesterday I was in the car going to Sreeshti’s school for an athletic program. Anil put in a CD, Bob Dylan was playing. The words I heard were a portrait of my life…”how does it feel, to be all alone, with no direction home, to be a complete unknown, like a rolling stone?” How does it feel? All these things are brewing in my head so writing this out will help me figure out how it feels. Reality check: music is full of love over here.

The love and warmth of the people that do care for me is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my entire 50 years of living on this planet. The Roy family members are truly angels sent from God. While Auntie gets on my nerves asking too many questions repeatedly, her smile warms me to the bone. Her concern for me touches the place that a mother can only touch. Uncle is warming up to me and speaking English at least 5 minutes each day. Sreeshti is my princess; she is the little girl I never had. Yesterday after the program she was so sad she wouldn’t look at me. She didn’t win the race. I told her in the car she would always be my princess win or lose. She leaned on me and looked at the toy she got for participating in the race and asked if I would play with her. How can I refuse that? I can’t. I failed my English test and had 48 hours to make up one of the questions (an 8 hour question) and instead of doing my work, I went to see her at school and then played with her. Her heart is more important to me than my life. Ishita and Satyaki’s anniversary was yesterday. So instead of doing my work that I didn’t do in the afternoon, I went to their party. I arrived late because I spent the entire afternoon with Sreeshti. I figured 7pm meant 9pm. The one time I am late is the one time I should have been on time. How do I make this up to them? I don’t know. Chandana is so beautiful. She is the cook. I took a picture of her at the flower show earlier this month and printed it out and framed it. She hugged me and said “I love you” she doesn’t speak English but she did that day. And, she wants me to tutor her. I start tomorrow. Sukriti, the nanny, and I haven’t really bonded yet but I know it’s just a matter of time. All of the Roy’s friends are so genuine. The Roy’s tell them I have a need and they are on the phone calling to resolve the issue. Reality check: I am learning to be cared for, this is a good thing.

I just got back from making a deal on a flat. It’s a one room, small kitchen, bathroom with a tub apartment. It has a balcony that barely fits one person. There is a terrace on the roof that I have access to. I can hang my laundry on one side and sit outside under the stars at night on the other side. This brings me to another thing I have to surrender: my standard of living. While adequate for the purpose, this flat has no hot water. It has no stove or refrigerator. I will have to purchase a few burners and use a gas tank. I will have to heat my water up for my bath. Depending on how life treats me, I may purchase a geaser (hot water heater) if I stay there. It costs 6000R a month which is about $133. I budgeted for $150 and I’ll have to pay for utilities so I was right on the money. The beds and furniture are included. I will have to purchase some covers for the small sofa and probably buy some new curtains for the windows. I have to purchase refrigerator and burners and gas tank for kitchen. I will purchase few pots and pans, plates, etc. no worries there. It is safe. There is a locked gate, locked downstairs door and then my locked door. My neighbors are 2 young men working in Salt Lake at some IT company. I met one, he seems nice enough. The landlord was a peculiar man. I liked him though; I believe it will be a wonderful experience for me. AND, my new son, Bubai lives a few blocks away so I have someone to help me if needed. Awwwww, I just looked at the pictures, there is only one sink in the bathroom. There is no sink in the kitchen– life is full of new challenges. Reminds me of Seinfield where Kramer washed his food in the shower and installed a garbage disposal in the tub. Hehehehehehe

When a Bengali befriends you, you are their responsibility. This is a concept I am unfamiliar with. I feel like my needs right now are a burden to the Roy’s. There are so many tiny issues that need to be resolved that it has become a full time job - getting a place to live, moving my things, opening up a bank account and learning Bengali. I am grateful to the Roy’s. I wouldn’t be able to manage without them. Saying “thank you” is not accepted and almost considered an insult. Assisting me is their responsibility and duty as my friend. There are no conditions to this friendship. No matter how much I mess up or how many mistakes I make, they are here for me 24/7, no questions asked. I am worthy, I am accepted, and I am loved. What is it in me that cannot accept this without feeling like I am a burden? Uffff, I let go of my ego, I surrender my pride. I wanted my life to change and it IS changing. I do not recognize the person I am right now. I feel needy, weak and insecure. I must accept this new beginning and stand strong. I know eventually everything will land in its rightful place and I will feel strong again. I will feel worthy and I will accept myself exactly as I am.

So many transitions are taking place as I give up and surrender. There are so many changes in lifestyle, thinking and daily living. It is only change that is at work here and change is a constant factor in every life. In less than 4 weeks I will be changing my location to China. Goodness gracious, what the heck was I thinking? I wasn’t thinking! I think China will be good for me to get some perspective on India. Either I will miss it in my heart and know it is home or I won"t, only time will tell…