If life is but a dream…

I was asked today if I woke up in Colorado and the last 70 days were a dream; and I was about to purchase my airline ticket to India, would I? This was a good question that played in my mind all afternoon as certain events started playing out. My brain hurt with pressure from the ludicrousness of life in India. Life here is such a charade of ridiculous rules and regulations that I could feel my body melting and my brain shutting down completely. It wasn’t panic, anxiety or worry; I can’t even explain this feeling because I never had it before.

The first thing that came to my mind (when asked the above mentioned question) was a song “don’t think twice, it’s alright.” I answered the question stating “…once I make a decision I don’t think twice and doubt myself.” As I walked home I sang the song telling myself it’s alright. I will manage. I will figure this out. The challenges here are mind boggling and at the same time it gives me an opportunity to grow, learn and become something more than I was yesterday.

In the USA anyone who knows me tells me I’ve had a colorful life. My adventures and escapades leave some wondering how I managed to get this far in life. Over here, my adventures and escapades don’t compare to day to day life. I believe that is why I feel so at home here in one respect. The deepest part of me belongs in this chaos. I know how to deal with pressures and stress in life. In the USA these pressures come and go from time to time with a break here and there. In India the pressure and stress come every minute and it never ends or stops. This is mentally exhausting. I was a pro at working out preposterous situations in the USA but I am a kindergarten student at figuring things out in India.

I quote myself “It takes Honor and Courage to live a Life worthy of Freedom. Freedom awards us Grace and Mercy at all times. We have the Power to Succeed and Attract everything we Seek. Life affords us the opportunity to be Inspired to our Greatest Potential. This is my Code of Honor. This is my Truth. This is my Life…and so this is my Courage each day…Free to be”

I am declaring my honor. I stand firm in my honor. My word is my honor and this truly is all I have in the world. I am honoring my courage. My courage allows me to walk down the street being looked at by everyone I pass. My courage comes from God almighty and cannot be broken. I am free yet I live in a country where I cannot do as I please. What is freedom anyway? Freedom is being liberated, open, unbound, limitless, uninhibited, enlightened. I question if I really am free today. Without feeling free the grace and mercy are begged for several times a day. I don’t know, I think begging for a rupee might be easier than begging God for grace and mercy. (This is not a judgment this is a comparison of the only time I see people beg.) Desperate times call for desperate measures. I am usually praising God for His Grace and Mercy. I find myself begging. I’m a child of God. I don’t believe a child should beg from their parents. Ufffff.

I still believe I have the power to succeed and attract everything I am seeking. This power is running on empty at this very moment. I know and I believe the fuel will be filled up again and I will continue my pursuit regardless of circumstances. If life affords us the opportunity to be inspired to our greatest potential; I’m being inspired beyond my intellectual capacity. I have to reach deep inside myself to understand the opportunities that are presenting themselves to me.

I stand in my truth because this is my life. This is the real world. I refuse to live with any regrets. My decision still stands. I’m here on the Eastern Hemisphere. I will find that place inside me that benefits from the misery, suffering and troublesome times. That part of me that knows once I go through hell I will laugh at hell because God’s grace and mercy provide me with the strength needed to have victory. I find great satisfaction getting out of hell and laughing at such foolishness. I say this about my previous experiences in life regarding hell. Right now, I’m not laughing. I’m in hell. I have to take a step back and look at my life from the outside and put my emotions on the table so they don’t drive me deeper in the dark pit of agony. Once I get out of hell this time around I will laugh at it as well. :-)

In the last days of my journey in India deep thoughts weigh profoundly on me and China is but a dream that in a few days will be my new reality. How ironic.

Okokokokokok….

(I won’t be writing until I arrive in China. Check in after the first week in March for new stuff. It should be more uplifting. I needed to write the above post because today was a day I would want to forget. I need to remember so I am grateful for the experience afforded me.)