If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it….

What if it’s broken and you can’t fix it, then what? I pour my heart and soul out and I’m left with a feeling of brokenness that only God can fix. I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m depressed, I’m in a foreign country and I have no one to talk to face to face; no one to hug me and comfort my brokenness. I feel very alone in a strange land. I question my body’s ability to withstand the disease here and my immune system to take on the medicines in the East. I’ve been sick and stressed since I arrived and I don’t have a clue as to what I am supposed to do. I truly felt God leading me here and once I arrived God disappeared. My faith is pushed to its limits every day and I know that I know God is everywhere and God loves me. What is God doing? Where is He leading me? How am I supposed to go on without any direction?

I’m delirious with a fever and I am not thinking correctly. I’m not in myself as they say here. Doctor’s orders: stay home, don’t walk, don’t get in the heat, and drink lots of water. The residual effects of the shingles can last 3 to 6 months so my leg is paining me when I walk. I’m out of water and I need to go out in the heat and walk to get water. A simple task and yet I can’t bring myself to walk out the door. I have pushed my favors to a limit and dare not ask for anything else. The smiles on the faces of those who welcomed me are now filled with frowns. I’m not suicidal I just want to vanish from life. I’m broken from head to toe and from mind to spirit. It hurts to breathe. I have to force myself to inhale.

Ufffff, feeling sorry for myself isn’t the answer. Fighting the good fight is the answer. I don’t have any strength to fight anymore. I don’t care. I am nothing. I am insignificant. What difference does it make really? Who cares? Everyone in the West keeps telling me come back, quit, give up. In other words, fail. People in the East keep telling me it takes time. Hardships are everyday. They pass and new hardships come the next day. You will adjust soon enough.

Lemme go take a bath and clean off this mood. Okay, my body is clean and mind is still dirty. Call doctor…. She is referring me to another doctor, see ya later. (11:30 a.m.)

5:21 p.m. Doctor gave me more medicine. If this doesn’t clear in the next two days then I see a specialist. Ufffff.

“So many faces in and out of my life; some will last, some will be just now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good byes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.”

Unless one says goodbye to what one loves, and unless one travels to completely new territories, one can expect merely a long wearing path of oneself and an uneventful extinction. (That sounds pretty darn good to me at the moment.)

A few days have passed. I managed to go to the Roy’s for lunch and was asked what I ate for breakfast. I told them bread, peanut butter and banana. Apparently peanut butter isn’t good for the stomach when the heat arrives. No one told me this and the yelling that went on was stressing. I said, how am I to know what I can eat and when if you don’t tell me. If the diet changes, then tell me how it changes with the seasons so I am educated. This was taken as an insult. I wasn’t questioning their knowledge; I was merely asking to be educated. Ufffff. Being misunderstood in my English accent, my humor, my body language is getting to me. I want to retreat in a world that makes sense but there is no retreat. I can’t run away. Running isn’t the answer. I’m so out of any comfort that I don’t know myself anymore. So, I was told don’t eat anything outside of our home. The last two days I’ve arrived in the morning and left in the evening. I am not accustomed to spending the entire day with people. The women all tell me how horrible I look. I tell them I am well aware of the dark circles under my eyes, my eyes are sunken in my face and my cheeks are shallow. Telling me I look horrible isn’t helping me. I drink at least 3 liters of water a day. I did this in Colorado. I’m told I’m drinking too much water. I tell them my mouth feels like I have cotton balls in it. I’m thirsty. I’m not drinking just to drink, I’m thirsty! They see me go to the toilet every 20 minutes and ask is your stomach okay. I tell them, I’m fine. A few months ago my diet was boiled potatoes and dry toast. Now bread is not good, the way they make it in the heat isn’t good for the body so my diet consists of banana and fish curry. LOL…I can’t even begin to tell you what that tastes like. Needless to say, I’m not enjoying my meals. For snacks I’m eating boiled bananas with salt and pepper. Yuck! I’m done with the meds so I should be able to eat normally tomorrow. We shall see.

The airplane ticket is the most preposterous event ever. Air India finally understood the situation. They asked me who will pay the penalty; I told them I would if they would just issue me the tickets. They said no. the travel agent should pay. I agreed but they are stalling. I am out of time. Let me pay the penalty and deal with it on my own. They said no. I asked them how long it would take and they said it would take time. I told them time is out on Tuesday. I need my tickets. Tomorrow I will go there again. Please believe with me that they issue me tickets so I can get out of here.

I am grateful for the people in my life that are still hanging in there with me even though they have frowns on their faces. They haven’t given up on me yet. I am grateful that am not in a hospital. I am grateful that I believe in God. I am grateful that I have a computer to correspond with those who can understand my English. I apologize for the flood of negativity and wish these events, trials and tribulations would cease for a moment.

“To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time.” Cornelia Otis Skinner (easier said than done).

I know God will reveal His plan in His time. I am still learning to be patient and understanding. I must stop and think before I act or react so I ask myself, where this action will lead me or what will these words bring. Is the desired result to the betterment of myself and others? Are my thoughts pure? Am I being selfish or am I a humble servant of the Lord?

What did I get myself into? I do not know. I ask God to be real with me and give me a plan; directions that are easy to understand so I can move forward from this particular cycle into the next. Of course, the next cycle might be even more eventful than this and I can only laugh at what my imagination is racing through right now.