War….what is it good for?

Seinfield episode…silly, stupid, serendipitous events about life that mean nothing at all. Isn’t that what I’ve been writing about? I get caught up in the moment and forget to see the big picture. I use a word whose meaning is either celebrated or deplorable. I started reading a book and want to share a few excerpts from it to let you know what I learned this week.

“We manifest an ideal in our lives. We conform our behavior to the ideal of perfection. So, we are not just saying the words but we are feeling what they mean.” The last month with the boat delay and the airplane cancellation , and the physical illnesses, the ideal was life was too difficult and the perfection I created was utter chaos to the point that I insulted family and friends in my hysteria and for that I apologize from all that is within me and ask your forgiveness.

Having realized this, the next excerpt is as follows:
“One must perform all actions with tranquility and to see every circumstance as an opportunity to manifest perfection.” The day I bought my airplane ticket was the day I made peace with myself, my friends, and my God. I calmed down and took each task with a tranquil heart and spirit. The events began to take place one by one. I purchased a plane ticket and returned to pick up the tickets only to get a refund! I was able to make collect calls. Which by the way, in India you call 000127 then the number. The operator answers the call and connects you for free. What a concept! The insurance claim is in. The credit card dispute is in. I even found out I can change my flight in Beijing when I arrive to leave a few hours later instead of an all night layover and it’s free! So I will be arriving in Yantai within 24 hours of my departure instead of 36 hours. How perfect is that!?!

This tranquility concept works. I know this and I have experienced it many times in my life. How many times is it going to take for this concept to become infused in my heart and soul? How many ups and downs must I endure to finally have an “I could’ve had a V-8” moment? Ufffff, it really is appalling that my mind cannot grasp this simple concept and live it moment to moment. One day I will arrive, until then I still own the movie rights to this story.

The Roy household is quite amusing to observe. There is Satyaki, the husband and son. Uncle (Ishiti’s father) comes and goes so he doesn’t factor in too much. Simba, the dog that really needs to be put down. He is in terrible shape and all they do is yell at him. Then there are 5 females. Ishita, the wife and daughter-in-law, busy working and trying to lose weight. Auntie, the mother and mother-in-law; the matriarch of the family, the elderly woman who is trying to find usefulness in life. Chandana the cook who smiles a smile that can make anyone happy, Sukriti the nanny and Sreeshti the child. Yesterday after Skyping with my mother I realized the flight I thought was Saturday night is really Friday night, Saturday morning 2 a.m. I would have missed my flight if my mother wasn’t so smart! Thanks mom. So I called the Roy’s and said I’m not leaving Saturday night I’m leaving tomorrow night. I called a little while later to see it Satyaki would be in his office as I needed to print out forms for the doctor to release me to travel and all the other paperwork for the claims and disputes. He told me the entire household was in a frantic and upset and sad that I was leaving. Everyone knew I was leaving for China the day I arrived. None of us realized how much we would bond in spirit and in our hearts. The reality of my departure hit and it hit hard. When I left the USA I knew I would miss a few people and my Bunny, but there was no thought of “I don’t want to leave.” Now, I don’t want to leave. I want to stay. I need this China experience and I must go. I know it’s only a few months and I can Skype to see this family that has become an intricate part of my life. I will return and life will go on. My own family fell apart when I was 16 and I haven’t had the care and nurturing of family life for 35 years. I haven’t felt the longing for family ties in such a long time that I am inundated with a heart of love that is bursting at the seams. My heart truly is overflowing with love for the first time in so many years. This is good. This is life and it makes me realize that the war that goes on in my mind - what good is it for? The only answer I can come up with is to learn how to love and be loved.

The Path to a Dream

The path to a dream is paved with sacrifices and lined with determination. And although it has many stumbling blocks along the way and may go in more than one direction, it is marked with faith.

It is traveled by belief in myself and others but requires courage, persistence and hard work. It is conquered with a willingness to face challenges and take chances, to fail and try again and again.

Along the way, I may have to confront doubts, setbacks, and unfairness. But when the path comes to an end, I will find that there is no greater joy than making my dream come true.

My apologies for the last post. I am on a roller coaster of emotion. The only outlet I have is to post my feelings on this blog and let it go. The past week was another test of faith and perseverance and I passed the test. While I may have scored low, I did not give up. I don't want to alarm you or make you feel that I am falling apart. Yes, I am uncomfortable in many areas of my life but I am learning to be a better person. I have many mistakes to correct and much to learn about this culture. I am hopeful. I have not lost my faith or belief that God is with me. Today is a new day and I believe in His Glorious Grace to cover me with His Holy Spirit to accomplish the task of getting the airline tickets to China.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it….

What if it’s broken and you can’t fix it, then what? I pour my heart and soul out and I’m left with a feeling of brokenness that only God can fix. I’m sick, I’m tired, I’m depressed, I’m in a foreign country and I have no one to talk to face to face; no one to hug me and comfort my brokenness. I feel very alone in a strange land. I question my body’s ability to withstand the disease here and my immune system to take on the medicines in the East. I’ve been sick and stressed since I arrived and I don’t have a clue as to what I am supposed to do. I truly felt God leading me here and once I arrived God disappeared. My faith is pushed to its limits every day and I know that I know God is everywhere and God loves me. What is God doing? Where is He leading me? How am I supposed to go on without any direction?

I’m delirious with a fever and I am not thinking correctly. I’m not in myself as they say here. Doctor’s orders: stay home, don’t walk, don’t get in the heat, and drink lots of water. The residual effects of the shingles can last 3 to 6 months so my leg is paining me when I walk. I’m out of water and I need to go out in the heat and walk to get water. A simple task and yet I can’t bring myself to walk out the door. I have pushed my favors to a limit and dare not ask for anything else. The smiles on the faces of those who welcomed me are now filled with frowns. I’m not suicidal I just want to vanish from life. I’m broken from head to toe and from mind to spirit. It hurts to breathe. I have to force myself to inhale.

Ufffff, feeling sorry for myself isn’t the answer. Fighting the good fight is the answer. I don’t have any strength to fight anymore. I don’t care. I am nothing. I am insignificant. What difference does it make really? Who cares? Everyone in the West keeps telling me come back, quit, give up. In other words, fail. People in the East keep telling me it takes time. Hardships are everyday. They pass and new hardships come the next day. You will adjust soon enough.

Lemme go take a bath and clean off this mood. Okay, my body is clean and mind is still dirty. Call doctor…. She is referring me to another doctor, see ya later. (11:30 a.m.)

5:21 p.m. Doctor gave me more medicine. If this doesn’t clear in the next two days then I see a specialist. Ufffff.

“So many faces in and out of my life; some will last, some will be just now and then. Life is a series of hellos and good byes, I'm afraid it's time for goodbye again.”

Unless one says goodbye to what one loves, and unless one travels to completely new territories, one can expect merely a long wearing path of oneself and an uneventful extinction. (That sounds pretty darn good to me at the moment.)

A few days have passed. I managed to go to the Roy’s for lunch and was asked what I ate for breakfast. I told them bread, peanut butter and banana. Apparently peanut butter isn’t good for the stomach when the heat arrives. No one told me this and the yelling that went on was stressing. I said, how am I to know what I can eat and when if you don’t tell me. If the diet changes, then tell me how it changes with the seasons so I am educated. This was taken as an insult. I wasn’t questioning their knowledge; I was merely asking to be educated. Ufffff. Being misunderstood in my English accent, my humor, my body language is getting to me. I want to retreat in a world that makes sense but there is no retreat. I can’t run away. Running isn’t the answer. I’m so out of any comfort that I don’t know myself anymore. So, I was told don’t eat anything outside of our home. The last two days I’ve arrived in the morning and left in the evening. I am not accustomed to spending the entire day with people. The women all tell me how horrible I look. I tell them I am well aware of the dark circles under my eyes, my eyes are sunken in my face and my cheeks are shallow. Telling me I look horrible isn’t helping me. I drink at least 3 liters of water a day. I did this in Colorado. I’m told I’m drinking too much water. I tell them my mouth feels like I have cotton balls in it. I’m thirsty. I’m not drinking just to drink, I’m thirsty! They see me go to the toilet every 20 minutes and ask is your stomach okay. I tell them, I’m fine. A few months ago my diet was boiled potatoes and dry toast. Now bread is not good, the way they make it in the heat isn’t good for the body so my diet consists of banana and fish curry. LOL…I can’t even begin to tell you what that tastes like. Needless to say, I’m not enjoying my meals. For snacks I’m eating boiled bananas with salt and pepper. Yuck! I’m done with the meds so I should be able to eat normally tomorrow. We shall see.

The airplane ticket is the most preposterous event ever. Air India finally understood the situation. They asked me who will pay the penalty; I told them I would if they would just issue me the tickets. They said no. the travel agent should pay. I agreed but they are stalling. I am out of time. Let me pay the penalty and deal with it on my own. They said no. I asked them how long it would take and they said it would take time. I told them time is out on Tuesday. I need my tickets. Tomorrow I will go there again. Please believe with me that they issue me tickets so I can get out of here.

I am grateful for the people in my life that are still hanging in there with me even though they have frowns on their faces. They haven’t given up on me yet. I am grateful that am not in a hospital. I am grateful that I believe in God. I am grateful that I have a computer to correspond with those who can understand my English. I apologize for the flood of negativity and wish these events, trials and tribulations would cease for a moment.

“To cement a new friendship, especially between foreigners or persons of a different social world, a spark with which both were secretly charged must fly from person to person, and cut across the accidents of place and time.” Cornelia Otis Skinner (easier said than done).

I know God will reveal His plan in His time. I am still learning to be patient and understanding. I must stop and think before I act or react so I ask myself, where this action will lead me or what will these words bring. Is the desired result to the betterment of myself and others? Are my thoughts pure? Am I being selfish or am I a humble servant of the Lord?

What did I get myself into? I do not know. I ask God to be real with me and give me a plan; directions that are easy to understand so I can move forward from this particular cycle into the next. Of course, the next cycle might be even more eventful than this and I can only laugh at what my imagination is racing through right now.

Satyaki's Birthday

Double click on pix to see bigger version...

UTI's and sorry sari's....

So life would have it that I have a UTI now. I had medicine from the USA as I'm prone to UTI's but my body was not liking the western medicine. I was going down hill quickly so by Wednesday I had no energy for anything. I was heat sensitive in the 95F and I could barely get out of bed.

Yesterday I went to the doctor in my yellow sari and got some new meds. I was walking down the street when a man pushed me. I tripped on some pipes that were on the side walk and I was going to either fall or had to leap over the metal rods to keep from falling. I leap but my sari got hooked on the end of the medal rod and ripped. I was looking sorry in my sari that was hanging 5 feet from me. No one helped and I tucked the material back in and walked to the Roy's. A few days ago I saw auntie's closet and she has enough sari's to wear for a year without wearing one twice and was thinking, why doesn't she give me a sari or two if she isn't going to wear them. So....as I left the Roy home yesterday Auntie said, let me give you a sari since that one is torn. She gave me a bright pink and purple sari which she would never wear...hehehehhehe

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good or bad luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, if they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere.

I'm so glad I'm on a roller coaster ride in India, I'm not sure of the direction it may lead to nowhere but at least I have little tests each day to keep me on my toes.

Fish Heads…

When in Rome; do as the Romans do. When In India, eat fish heads. This is supposedly the best part of a fish and I imagine an honor to be served a fish head. I ask every time “you actually eat this?” and each time I get smiles with a “yes!” Since it’s served in a curry sauce and sort of broken apart, I just take my right hand and smash the meat off the bone and mix it with my rice and vegetables and put it in my hand and shovel it in my mouth without looking or thinking. In the back of my head, I believe this fish is looking at me eat its head. While I haven’t seen an eye in my fish head yet, I know they are in there. Sreeshti loves fish eyes and each time she picks it up and looks at it and pops it in her mouth. I have to look away. I haven’t been served a fish yet where the whole fish is there and I see the eyes. I have been served a whole fish that was fried so much that the eyes could not be detected. Ufffff, I’m not sure I will ever get accustomed to fish heads but something tells me in 5 years I won’t think twice about it. For now, it’s new, strange, weird, unfamiliar, different and well, foreign!

Auntie told me a story about her childhood where she didn’t want to eat fish head and her mother told her if she didn’t eat the fish head her brain would be tired in the morning. Each morning she didn’t eat her fish head, she was tired the next day. The thoughts we have in our mind limit us to our potential; they limit us in our behavior, they limit our ability to adapt to changes in life. Each time I eat fish head my stomach hurts the next day. My stomach isn’t sick, I don’t have diarrhea, or throw up; I just feel icky. Is this due to my stinking thinking or is the fish head actually not agreeing with me? Such a deep question at 2:30am in the morning while I can’t sleep.

I asked Auntie if she ever ate monkey brains. While she wasn’t grossed out on the matter she said no in a very matter of fact way, they eat monkey brains in the North. I asked her if she ate octopus and she said NO NO NO. Chandana ran out of the room screaming NOOOOOOooooo. I said ok, that is how I feel about fish heads. While I don’t think it is something I want to eat and I have never eaten it before, I am eating it but my brain is screaming NO. I proceeded to ask if they ate frog legs and goat testicles, each one answered with a NO! It helped me finish my fish head knowing they were thinking about eating frog legs heheehehhe.

My inquiring mind goes to the internet….

Fish eyes, especially mackerel family, contain rich quantity of DHA and EPA which are very rare unsaturated fatty acid. The most beneficial property of these natural substances are their abilities to stimulate human brain cells, improve memory and thinking power, and also very helpful in preventing memory decline, high cholesterol and hypertension diseases. The common notion suggested that eating certain animal parts would strengthen similar body parts of ours, and this has also be proven correct by clinical experiment where fish eyes are concerned: They can help to reduce the deterioration of eyesight.

Auntie’s Ma was correct

Life is full of strange oddities. My friend Ric sent me a piece of art work this morning just before I was about to post this so I will share it with you. I wonder if he ate fish head yesterday. LOL

koo.kool = dog in Bengali

I bought a tea set and I'm decorating my room according to the tea set. How silly is that. Anyway, out of complete boredom (don't ask how I could be bored in India), I worked on a couple of pieces of hand made paper which is useless for water coloring. I think I will do about 12 of these to cover up one of the dirty walls.














What does this have to do with koo.kool? Nothing. My brain is melting and yesterday I did a little art therapy. I use to pay a therapist to watch me do this kind of art work but yesterday I had Auntie watch me. She actually got it and said 'no, that looks like my brain.' So, this picture is titled "My Brain"

Happy Holi Day!

The colorful festival of Holi is celebrated on Phalgun Purnima which comes in February end or early March. Holi festival has an ancient origin and celebrates the triumph of 'good' over 'bad'. The colorful festival bridges the social gap and renew sweet relationships. On this day, people hug and wish each other 'Happy Holi'.

Enjoy...I certainly did!

























I'm glad my flight to China was delayed. I needed to have some fun, laugh and play!

Flexibility….

Today I went to the customs house only to learn the boat has still not arrived. Due to this delay I have to delay my trip to China or surrender the 1% of my belongings. On top of it there are papers I don’t have and can’t get. I just learned that with my 10 year visa I HAVE to leave India every 6 months for a minimum of 2 months in order to return. On top of that, China is pushing me to move there. They are offering a free apartment, furnished with hot water, computer, A/C, etc. On top of that I missed my Skype with my mother who is worried about me. On top of that I missed the little tea party that I was supposed to host today. On top of that I called to reschedule my flight only to be told I had to go to the airport to do it. On top of that, I called the airline who told me the booking agent I just got off the phone with cancelled my non-refundable ticket. On top of that, well….is a whole different kind of pressure that I dare not go to or else my brain will melt completely.

I don’t have a clue as to what to do…my dear friend Satyaki texted me on the phone with the following:

1. Nothing is permenant in this world not even our troubles
2. I like walking in the rain because no one can see my tears
3. The most wasted day in life is the day we have not laughed our hearts out
4. Troubles are like washing machines; they twist, turn and knock us around. In the end we come out brighter and better than before
5. The four looks of life:
a. Look back and gain experience
b. Look forward and see hope
c. Look around and see reality
d. Look within and feel confident
I think I will look within right now, tomorrow is another day in paradise…

the home I just got and now I leave

So this place was disgustingly dirty. here are the before pictures.

Kitchen (what a mess) balcony balcony balcony room
room room

after pictures

I still have a ways to go but at least I have some color that will sooth my soul.