January - on the road to Shimla and then...

Then I’m told Bubai doesn’t understand my English. Now, my anxiety has reached the point of no return. I can’t even talk right. I look out the window and shed a few tears and want to leave India. I don’t feel like I belong anymore. I think I was over confident. I’m over my head. I pray to God to comfort me and I fall asleep. We reach Shimla which is a very nice town on a cliff that I hope I get to take pictures of before we leave. We get rooms, the guys leave for a meeting and I take a shower/bath. The geaser in my room is about 45 liters and the water pressure works so it’s the first hot shower I’ve had in India that was satisfying. I even had my bucket of hot water after to pour over me. Ahhhhhhh, nice, good, I’m happy as can be with the congestion and upset stomach. Bubai knocks on my door to come have coffee. I meet the rest of the boyz who just had coffee. I asked when we were going to eat lunch. I’m told its 6pm, no lunch. I raise my hands in surrender which is taken as an offense. Later I find out Satyaki thinks I’m angry but I am not angry. I’m surrendering that defense mechanism that is getting in the way but I don’t know how to articulate this and he doesn’t articulate his misunderstanding that he thinks I’m angry. I feel the tension. We all take a walk in the tourist area, it’s like Switzerland, it’s nice, cold, but I feel self conscience about talking. I am even corrected on my English when I walk into a store and say “good evening (2 syllables).” The elderly gentleman says very slowly (aste, aste in Bengali) ‘good ev-a-ing.” (3 syllables) That’s it; I’m ready to leave India again. I don’t like this feeling. Deep down inside I know it’s because I’m congested and have an upset stomach. On the surface, I don’t care, I want to vanish immediately. It’s past 5pm and it’s time to have a meltdown or breakdown and once again, I don’t get the release I need.

We finally get back to the hotel and start eating around 10pm. I had a piece of chicken that was very hot and riti (bread). I had a little butter. I asked if it was ok and no one said no so I had a teaspoon of butter. We talk about medicine and I say antibiotics in USA put on the prescription, take with milk. So I order hot milk before I go to bed. BIG MISTAKE, THIS IS THE BEGINNING OF THE END OF MY WESTERN WORLD.

15 minutes later I don’t feel the gurgling and bubbling in the stomach, I feel like I will throw up. Before I get into the details I should say, there is no heat in this hotel. They have blankets that weigh about 50 pounds or 22.7kg. (Hey, I know something that is useful!) I have on a thick fleece robe and fleece socks and thermal underwear. I get up and throw up. Every time I get out of bed I have to put shoes on because a) the floor is cold and b) the bathroom floor is wet. I wash my face and teeth and get back in bed and throw this 50lb blanket over me. 15 minutes later the gurgling comes. I push this 50lb blanket off me, put my shoes on and hurry to the bathroom for a major series of diarrhea. I feel as if someone took a vice grip to my intestines and is pulling and twisting my insides out of me. I begin to sweat and take off the robe. I am so tired I want to sleep. I clean up (with no toilet paper) and wash my hands and take my shoes off and pull this 50lb blanket on top of me. This series goes on - throw up, diarrhea; throw up, diarrhea, shoes on, shoes off, blanket on, blanket off, to add some variety dry heaves all night long. At 5am, it stops and I sleep. I am drained, dehydrated, feeling most terrible. I don’t think I’ve ever been that sick in my life and I’ve had some major sickness.

Tuesday
Sukalyan wakes me up at 7am and I tell him I don’t feel well and I’m ready to take whatever medicine and advise he has to offer. Bapin and Satyaki come and discuss what the best course is. I surrendered completely. I realize I need to be told how to do everything. Later, Satyaki tells me he isn’t going to say anything because I was angry with him. This is when I realize he mistook my surrender for anger. I feel so bad that he thinks I’m angry with him after all he has done for me. I look down and tears are swelling up in my eyes. I just want him to leave so I can have a meltdown. He won’t leave until I look at him. He see my tears and understands I was not angry. I tell him I have nothing left to defend. Whatever he tells me to do, I will do. I know nothing. I need to learn all over again. I am sorry for not listening. I learned my lesson.

Satyaki leaves and the boyz go to their meetings. I sleep all day long. I cry most the day when I am awake. Surrendering this defense is what I long for but it is a bad bad habit that is not easy letting go of. I ask God to heal this wound, throw it out of the universe and let me absorb all the lessons in life that are required of me to do His will. I get up at 6pm and here I am writing the events of 4 days. I have 6 more days left on this trip. I will do as I am told. I have 4 caring, loving, generous men taking care of me. I feel safe. I am feeling better. My stomach is still not right. Its 11pm and I will eat rice now, my first meal of the day. I pray this stays in me for the normal digestive process.